don't do this.

If you lock yourself in a sarcophagus with little slits in the top for air

Then hide yourself and your coffin in a cupboard so that no one knows you're there

You'll get very bored and very hungry before people even notice you are gone.

You'll die before you prove a point, and it isn't likely to be fun.

can you hear Violet?

Violet was constantly amazed at how her world kept changing and shifting, right in front of her eyes.

She would say: there are 10 elephants in this room. 

Then someone would say: No Violet. You are lying. 

And suddenly they were gone.

Violet didn't miss them too much because she was already fascinated by this new world without elephants.

She would then say: look at those empty spaces over there (where the elephants once were)

Someone would reply: No Violet, there are no empty spaces.

WELL! By THAT logic, thought Violet, I must be missing something! Ah!

Aha! Turtles kissing and 10 acrobats twirling! Wonderful!

Violet can see it!

And I ask.... why can't YOU see it?

Violet took lightly to her feet, 

then lightly back to the air, 

then lightly to her feet again. 

and again. 

and again. 

That is to say... she was skipping. 

Off she goes again, back into the depths of your subconscious. 

Maybe one day she will stay for longer

Sometimes I get home and look at my sink and see dirty dishes, and I go over and I wash them. 

In a minute or so they are done and I go and sit down. 

Then, other times I get home and I look at my sink and see dirty dishes and I say fuck you dishes.

Why would you do that to me. 

Then I circle the room looking at these offensive rude disgusting beasts that are interrupting my day. Fuck you. Fucking fuck you dishes. I fucking hate you. How dare you sit there in your own filth waiting for me to do something about you. Fuck you.

half-received bad news

'i was covered in blood' she wrote.

but i wasn't. 

i sit here 

in the dark. 

in the folds of the quilts. 

and i rock backwards and forwards in my despicable safety. 

mortified by my freedom.

'they grabbed me by each arm'

i lift my arms to my face. and breathe air freely into my lungs.

i run my fingers through my hair, to find the best place to pull at it. to try and drag some clear thoughts to the surface. my eyes squint- narrowing to try to pull me back to the room I was in. i curl up and i spin around and around and around in sheets and in quilts and in desperation and in futility and confusion and in frustration.

I listen to music to try to tear my guts out. to try to wrench tears out of my stubborn eyes. The heat of the quilt burns my skin tonight because it is soft to touch. and blades are not.

There is no sleep. There is none there to be had.

because this is not about me.

post recording post

listening all day to my own songs makes me want to stick my head in a pond 

until my whole head fills up with water, and there are enough tadpoles and pond scum in and around my larynx that i can not sing 

and enough algae in my ears that i can not be forced to hear the already immortalized forms of my recent vocal expeditions.

Singing into a microphone that picks up every tiny eeny weeny little fraction of my voice

that is then  blasted back into my ears the very second my lungs get it out of me

makes me want to be a really tiny little person and crawl into my throat 

and sit amongst that tall jungle of sound to get intimate with the cracks and tones of my voice in good humour and good fun 

instead of having to fret that this is take 20 000 and i am no closer to a non-disgusting take than i was 20 000 takes ago.

*****

getting home and lying in my bed with my headphones on...

having the pleasure of listening to these songs that now are more like friends to me...

so close to my heart- 

listening! without having to even move a muscle: pure bliss. 

to have them sung to me! makes me a puddle of relaxed and satisfied melted joy with a headache.

sleep time.

dream.

There

In the intermittent tide

-At the fringe of a vast and magnificent ocean,

On sand

With its ankles in the freezing cold water,

is my piano.

 

Here

In the intermittent tide

Of a seething world in motion

With my ankles in freezing cold water,

I stand.

Dreaming of the ocean

The Looking Glass

Utilise insanity.

Don’t euphemise profanities

FUCK IT

If you rely on vanity

SUCK IT

I’ll sit by my banana tree

With a BUCKET

Full if ice cold home made lemonade

AYE

And I’ll look up to the unpopular

GUY

While you cover up your watery

EYES

And never see the legacy of the ugly

SKIES

That will rain down on you and you’re clever

DISGUISE

\\\

Well you could take a walk through the streets of the

CITY

And collect things that help to make you feel

PRETTY

damn small in the world and pretty well

HIDDEN

Well hidden all the good bits to make people feel

SMITTEN

Well it’s all In vain

And vanity we banished

So utilise insanity and discover that you’ve vanished

...

There's a little wind up lullaby tin that sits upon the shelf

If you wind it up it will sing for you

If you leave the room it will sing to itself

I don't mind

That I often find

I'm a little that way myself

What’s worth wondering aloud? Is wondering allowed?

THE LIFE OF AN ARTIST/freak/me

 

Sometimes I find I’m so misunderstood

When I’m making a clever observation people are telling me I’m no good

I look into their eyes and I peer into their logic

And I note that the colour of their eyes and other things biologic

Then I try to see where they’re coming from and I try to connect

But that is really freaken hard when they’re all so INCORRECT.

 

I said hydrogen helium lithium beryllium boron

They said what the hell are you talking about so I worked out that they are morons

Then I state quite plainly that they are morons- it’s a fact

I’ve collected evidence based on elements and how people and elements react.

Well I just re-enacted their reactions

Their repulsion from me, following my attraction

In addition to this they request my subtraction

From the equation, they say go away from, our scene of action

What do I take away from this interaction?

What can relieve me of my dissatisfaction?

I need to extract meaning so heres my meaningful exaction

WHAT DO YOU MEAAANNN? I was just stating a fact

you’re below average IQ, but there’s no need to react.

And they looked at me and said

 

“That is wrong that’s so fucking wrong. I can’t believe you just said that, you’re so wrong. That is wrong that’s so fucking wrong. I can’t believe you just said that you’re so wrong”

 

I was wondering aloud the other day how female vampires put on their make-up

If they can’t see their reflection imagine how much time that would take up.

I was making light conversation about it and getting along very well with these only slightly uncomfortable acquaintances and I was feeling very pleased with my ability to make small talk. Well, how DO they put on make up? I could see they were starting to engage with my question. ‘I dunno’ [in a flat bored sounding voice] they answered with intrigue and awakened curiosity- a hunger to know the answer to this puzzling question. I offered a new approach to the seemingly unanswerable. “But then I suppose the crimson blood smears of the brutally tortured victims of their bloodthirsty vein engorging broken udder-pig suckling rampages of goretastic juicy night prowling, and darkened eyes from long nights being awake leeching the necks of small children for all the youthful life inside would have a similar effect to a good helping of eye shadow and a smack of crimson lipstick.

They looked right into my eyes and vomited while onlookers chanted…

 

“That is wrong that’s so fucking wrong. I can’t believe you just said that, you’re so wrong. That is wrong that’s so fucking wrong. I can’t believe you just said that you’re so wrong”

 

Well I couldn’t believe my EARS! There were tears! How could they have got me so wrong?!

Their implication was that my quotation would lead to damnation to hell where I belong

Appalled they said to run along! Well so long!

But it’s you that needs salvation –

Emancipation from your own confused souls

And your muddled looking faces just filling time and large spaces

Well I’ve seen a more attractive Alsatian-

Certainly more sex appeal due to better facial feature formation

And the slight rotation of the mouth nose combination is a better manifestation of facial spatial location.

Not that I’m saying I’d do an Alsatian- that claim would call for my institutionalisation but your lack of sex appeal was my illustration- the demonstration of my claims relating to Alsatian personification. This point that im making has led to me radiating my exasperation vibrations of my frustration like electromagnetic radiation. So much frustration! Oh the frustration, actually where is that Alsatian? AND THE WHOLE WORLD SAID:

 

“That is wrong that’s so fucking wrong. I can’t believe you just said that, that’s so wrong. That is wrong that’s so fucking wrong. I can’t believe you just said that that’s so wrong”

 

Alone and wandering

Wondering what in the hell is worth pondering

Well I start pondering plundering because my human interaction contraption is not functioning.

Gotta stop blundering through these social conundrums,

This is my undoing now watch me come undone

Perhaps its better that way in the long run that I come undone

If after all I’m the wrong one

But im the one with the rationale

I’m the professional

I tell the whole truth as if life’s my confessional.

It’s rational and best of all

It’s the known not the extraterrestrial

But apparently I am the alien, the foreign, the estranged

For my normal behaviour they treat me like I’m deranged

Then I met a man who looked at me a quivering failure

I said don’t come near me I’ll probably derail ya

He was tall dark and creepy and made me quiver and shiver

From my oesophagus to my liver felt like a turbulent river

Would he be the giver of the final blow?

Delivered to my already shattered and shrivelled ego

Would I care though? Would he though?

NO I don’t care I’m born to be misunderstood by a world that is wrong and incorrect and no good.

I said:

The world is all wrong- you can take it or leave it

You CAN go along and fake it- deceive it

You can pretend all you like but I’ll never believe it

I could believe it: this world, but I’d rather leave it

If someone is foolish and you tell them they’re being clever

They’ll only continue in their foolish endeavours

I won’t laugh at something if it’s not funny- no never!

Nor will I applaud something that’s just a little bit whatever

Because life is short and they’re making mine shorter

And I’m not the sort to resort to supporting supporters

Of trivial talk that takes the talk out of talker

Leaving just er: er with some ums

I speak from the heart and they speak from their bums

I wont waste my time justifying the unjustifiable

Because it’s the truth that I speak yet it’s somehow deniable

You can call me unethical but the information’s reliable

I don’t intend to offend but note my logic is viable.

There now pass your judgement go on,

Pass your judgement and tell me I’m wrong

Say what you say I can take it I’m strong

But the world’s lacking in logic that’s why I don’t belong

And he said

That’s so right, that’s just so fucking right. I actually cant believe you just said that you’re so right! Its true what you say, a bit taboo what you say but hallelujah horay that I met you today! I can’t believe you just said that its so right!

(If only)